Turn Towards Instead of Away: Responding to Emotional Bids for Connection
Reading time: 8 minutes
Table of Contents
- Understanding Emotional Bids in Modern Relationships
- The Digital Age Challenge: Missing Connection Cues
- Three Response Patterns That Define Relationship Success
- Practical Strategies for Turning Towards
- Building Stronger Digital Connections
- Your Connection Roadmap: Implementing Change Today
- Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding Emotional Bids in Modern Relationships
Ever notice how your partner shares a random thought about their day, or how someone you’re dating sends you a funny meme? These aren’t just casual interactions—they’re emotional bids for connection, and how you respond to them literally shapes the future of your relationship.
Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research revealed that couples who stay together respond positively to each other’s emotional bids 86% of the time, while couples who divorce only respond positively 33% of the time. That’s not a small difference—it’s relationship-defining.
But here’s what makes this especially relevant for modern dating: emotional bids happen constantly in our digital communications, and we’re missing most of them. That text saying “Had the weirdest coffee today” isn’t just sharing information—it’s an invitation to connect.
What Emotional Bids Actually Look Like
Emotional bids come in three distinct forms, each requiring different recognition skills:
- Attention-seeking bids: “Look at this sunset!” or sharing a photo from their day
- Interest bids: “I’ve been thinking about trying that new restaurant…” (hoping you’ll suggest going together)
- Support bids: “Work was overwhelming today” (seeking emotional validation, not solutions)
The challenge? In digital communication, we often miss the emotional undertone because we’re focused on the literal content rather than the connection request.
The Digital Age Challenge: Missing Connection Cues
Modern dating has fundamentally changed how emotional bids are made and received. Research from the Pew Research Center shows that 72% of couples now communicate primarily through digital channels during the early stages of dating.
The Three-Second Decision Point
Here’s a scenario that happens dozens of times daily: You’re scrolling through messages and see “Just saw the funniest dog video.” You have approximately three seconds to decide your response pattern. Most people choose one of these paths:
| Response Type | Example Response | Connection Impact | Long-term Result |
|---|---|---|---|
| Turning Towards | “Send it to me! I could use a laugh today” | Positive reinforcement | Increased intimacy |
| Turning Away | No response or delayed “cool” | Neutral/missed opportunity | Emotional distance |
| Turning Against | “I’m busy right now” | Rejection/defensiveness | Conflict and withdrawal |
Case Study: Sarah and Marcus
Sarah, a 28-year-old marketing professional, was dating Marcus for three months when she noticed their conversations becoming increasingly surface-level. “He’d respond to my texts, but it felt mechanical,” she recalls. The turning point came when she sent him a photo of her childhood dog after visiting her parents. His response: “Cute dog.”
What Sarah was really sharing was a meaningful moment—reconnecting with family and childhood memories. Marcus missed the emotional bid entirely. When Sarah started recognizing this pattern, she realized Marcus was consistently turning away from her attempts to create deeper connection.
Three Response Patterns That Define Relationship Success
Understanding response patterns isn’t just academic—it’s practical relationship intelligence that determines whether connections deepen or fade.
Response Pattern Effectiveness Analysis
Success rates for long-term relationship satisfaction based on Gottman Institute research
The Anatomy of Turning Towards
Turning towards isn’t just about being nice—it’s about recognizing and responding to the underlying need for connection. Here’s what it looks like in practice:
- Immediate acknowledgment: Respond within a reasonable timeframe
- Emotional matching: Match or slightly elevate their emotional energy
- Curiosity expression: Ask follow-up questions that show genuine interest
- Validation offering: Acknowledge their experience without trying to fix it
The Hidden Cost of Turning Away
Relationship expert Dr. Julie Gottman notes that “turning away is often more damaging than turning against because it creates emotional loneliness.” When we consistently miss or ignore emotional bids, we’re essentially training our partner to stop making them.
Consider this common dating scenario: Alex sends Jamie a voice message sharing excitement about a work achievement. Jamie listens while multitasking and responds with a thumbs-up emoji. Alex’s emotional bid for celebration and validation gets reduced to a digital acknowledgment. Over time, Alex stops sharing wins, and both wonder why they feel disconnected.
Practical Strategies for Turning Towards
The good news? Turning towards is a skill you can develop with intentional practice. Here are evidence-based strategies that work in both digital and in-person interactions:
The STOP-LOOK-LISTEN Method
Before responding to any communication, practice this three-step approach:
- STOP: Pause before responding. Ask yourself, “What might they be really asking for?”
- LOOK: Identify the emotional content beyond the words
- LISTEN: Respond to both the content and the emotional need
Digital Communication Strategies
Transforming digital interactions requires specific approaches:
- Use voice messages: They convey emotional tone that text cannot
- Employ emotional language: “That sounds exciting!” vs. “Cool”
- Ask specific questions: “How did that make you feel?” vs. “What happened next?”
- Share related experiences: Build connection through relevant personal stories
Case Study: The 24-Hour Rule
David, a 31-year-old software engineer, struggled with immediate responses. His dating relationships often fizzled because partners felt he was disengaged. Working with a relationship coach, he implemented a “24-hour rule”—committing to respond meaningfully to emotional bids within 24 hours, even if he couldn’t respond immediately.
The results were remarkable. Within two months, his current relationship partner commented on feeling more connected, and David reported feeling more emotionally engaged himself. The key wasn’t speed—it was intentionality.
Building Stronger Digital Connections
Creating lasting emotional bonds through digital communication requires understanding both the opportunities and limitations of technology-mediated connection.
The Compound Effect of Small Responses
Research from the University of Washington shows that couples who consistently respond to minor emotional bids build relationship resilience that helps them navigate major challenges. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about reliable, small acts of attention.
Think of emotional responsiveness like compound interest: small, consistent deposits create exponential returns over time. A simple “Tell me more about that” can strengthen relationship foundations more than an expensive dinner when both partners feel emotionally disconnected.
Creating Bid-Rich Environments
Beyond responding to bids, successful couples create opportunities for emotional connection:
- Daily check-ins: “What was the best part of your day?”
- Curiosity questions: “What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?”
- Appreciation sharing: “I noticed [specific behavior] and it meant [specific impact]”
- Dream discussions: “If you could plan our perfect weekend, what would it include?”
Your Connection Roadmap: Implementing Change Today
Mastering emotional responsiveness isn’t about perfection—it’s about conscious, consistent improvement. Here’s your practical implementation strategy:
Week 1-2: Awareness Building
- Track your response patterns for three days without changing anything
- Notice when you turn towards, away, or against in digital communications
- Identify your personal triggers for turning away (stress, distraction, overwhelm)
Week 3-4: Response Practice
- Implement the STOP-LOOK-LISTEN method before responding
- Practice emotional matching in low-stakes conversations
- Experiment with voice messages and specific questions
Week 5+: Relationship Integration
- Create bid-rich conversations with intentional questions
- Establish response time expectations with dating partners
- Regularly assess emotional connection quality, not just communication frequency
Remember: every relationship interaction is practice for deeper connection skills. As digital communication continues evolving, the humans who master emotional responsiveness will build the strongest, most resilient relationships.
What emotional bid will you turn towards today that you might have previously missed?
Frequently Asked Questions
How quickly should I respond to emotional bids in dating?
Quality trumps speed every time. While immediate responses can be wonderful, a thoughtful response within 24 hours is more valuable than a quick, surface-level acknowledgment. The key is consistency—if you need time to respond meaningfully, communicate that: “I want to give this the attention it deserves. Can I call you tonight?”
What if I’m naturally introverted and struggle with emotional expression?
Introversion doesn’t limit your ability to turn towards—it might just change your approach. Consider written responses where you can process before sharing, use specific questions to show interest, and remember that listening and validation are equally powerful forms of emotional responsiveness. Your thoughtful, considered responses can be incredibly meaningful to partners.
How do I handle missed emotional bids without creating conflict?
Address missed bids directly and simply: “I realize I didn’t really respond to what you shared yesterday about your meeting. I was distracted, but I’d love to hear more about how it went.” Acknowledging the miss and creating space for reconnection often strengthens relationships more than pretending it didn’t happen.
Article reviewed by Jan Novak, Mindfulness & Love Coach | Present-Moment Awareness in Relationships, on May 29, 2025