What to Do After an Affair (Part 1): Steps for Relationship Recovery

Reading time: 12 minutes

Discovering an affair feels like the ground beneath your relationship has completely shifted. You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed, confused, and uncertain about what comes next. Let’s navigate this challenging terrain together with practical, evidence-based strategies that can help transform crisis into opportunity for deeper connection.

Table of Contents

• Immediate Response: The First 48 Hours
• Understanding the Emotional Impact
• Building a Communication Framework
• Professional Support Options
• Trust Rebuilding Strategies
• Your Recovery Roadmap Forward
• Frequently Asked Questions

Immediate Response: The First 48 Hours

When an affair is discovered, the initial response often determines the trajectory of recovery. Research from the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists shows that 70% of couples who handle the first week constructively have better long-term outcomes.

Essential First Steps

Here’s what relationship expert Dr. Shirley Glass recommends in those crucial first moments:

• Pause before reacting: Take 24 hours to process the initial shock before making major decisions
• Ensure physical safety: If emotions are running high, consider temporary space
• Document key facts: Write down what you know while memories are fresh
• Protect your health: Consider STI testing if physical intimacy occurred

What NOT to Do Initially

Avoid these common reactions that can complicate recovery:

• Making ultimatums or permanent decisions while in emotional crisis
• Immediately involving extended family or friends in detail
• Seeking revenge through social media or confronting the third party
• Demanding complete details about the affair in the first conversation

Real-world example: Sarah and Mark’s story illustrates this perfectly. When Sarah discovered Mark’s emotional affair through text messages, her first instinct was to call his affair partner and create a scene at his workplace. Instead, she took 48 hours to process, which allowed them to have their first conversation with less volatile emotions and more productive outcomes.

Understanding the Emotional Impact

Affairs create what psychologists call “relational trauma” – a deep disruption to your sense of safety and trust. Understanding this impact helps normalize your experience and guides healing.

Common Emotional Responses

Dr. Janis Spring, author of “After the Affair,” identifies these predictable phases. The betrayed partner typically experiences:

• Intrusive thoughts: Obsessive thinking about affair details
• Hypervigilance: Constantly monitoring partner’s behavior
• Emotional flooding: Intense waves of anger, sadness, or numbness
• Self-doubt: Questioning your own perceptions and worth

The Unfaithful Partner’s Experience

The partner who had the affair often struggles with their own complex emotions:

• Guilt and shame about their actions
• Confusion about their feelings and motivations
• Defensive reactions when confronted
• Fear of losing the relationship

Building a Communication Framework

Effective communication after an affair requires structure and boundaries. Without these, conversations often spiral into blame, defensiveness, and re-traumatization.

The STOP-LOOK-LISTEN Method

Developed by relationship therapist Dr. John Gottman, this approach provides safety for difficult conversations:

STOP

• Pause when emotions escalate beyond productive levels
• Use agreed-upon code words to call timeouts
• Take 20-30 minutes to self-soothe before resuming

LOOK

• Observe your partner’s emotional state
• Notice your own triggers and reactions
• Identify what’s needed in the moment (comfort, space, information)

LISTEN

• Practice active listening without formulating rebuttals
• Reflect back what you hear before responding
• Ask clarifying questions rather than making assumptions

Setting Communication Boundaries

Professional Support Options

Research indicates that couples who engage professional help within 6 months of affair discovery have a 65% higher chance of relationship recovery compared to those who try to heal alone.

Types of Professional Support

Couples Therapy: Specialized affair recovery therapists use evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method. Look for therapists certified in affair recovery.

Individual Therapy: Both partners benefit from individual support to process trauma, understand personal patterns, and develop coping strategies.

Support Groups: Organizations like Beyond Affairs Network provide peer support and structured programs for both betrayed and unfaithful partners.

Choosing the Right Therapist

Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis, a leading affair recovery specialist, suggests these criteria:

• Specific experience with infidelity recovery (not just general couples therapy)
• A balanced approach that doesn’t automatically favor one partner
• Training in trauma-informed therapy techniques
• Clear treatment approach and timeline expectations

Case study: Jennifer and David worked with a therapist who specialized in affair recovery using the “Three-Stage Recovery Model.” Stage 1 focused on crisis stabilization (months 1-3), Stage 2 on processing and understanding (months 4-8), and Stage 3 on rebuilding and growth (months 9-18). This structured approach gave them clear milestones and realistic expectations.

Trust Rebuilding Strategies

Trust rebuilding isn’t about returning to where you were—it’s about creating something new and potentially stronger. This process requires specific actions from both partners.

For the Unfaithful Partner: Earning Back Trust

Complete transparency: This goes beyond just answering questions. It means proactively sharing information, providing access to devices and accounts, and being accountable for time and activities.

Consistent reliability: Following through on all commitments, no matter how small. Trust rebuilds through hundreds of small actions, not grand gestures.

Empathy and patience: Understanding that healing isn’t linear and that the betrayed partner’s reactions are normal responses to trauma.

For the Betrayed Partner: Creating Space for Trust

While the unfaithful partner must earn trust, the betrayed partner must eventually create space for it to grow:

• Communicating needs clearly: Rather than testing or checking, directly state what you need to feel safe
• Acknowledging positive changes: Recognizing efforts and improvements when they occur
• Managing hypervigilance: Working to reduce obsessive checking behaviors as safety increases

Trust-Building Activities

Practical exercises that help rebuild connection:

• Daily check-ins: 15-minute conversations about the day, feelings, and needs
• Shared experiences: New activities that create positive memories together
• Gratitude practice: Each partner shares three things they appreciate about the other weekly
• Future planning: Discussing hopes and dreams for the relationship’s future

Your Recovery Roadmap Forward

Recovery from an affair isn’t just possible—it can lead to a stronger, more conscious relationship. Here’s your actionable roadmap for the next 90 days:

Week 1-2: Stabilization Phase

• Establish basic safety: Create communication guidelines and physical/emotional boundaries
• Seek initial support: Contact a therapist specializing in affair recovery and consider individual counseling
• Practice self-care: Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and physical health during this crisis period

Week 3-6: Information and Processing

• Begin structured disclosure: Work with your therapist to safely share and process affair details
• Implement transparency measures: Agree on accountability tools and communication protocols
• Start individual healing work: Address personal triggers, trauma responses, and relationship patterns

Week 7-12: Foundation Building

• Develop new communication patterns: Practice the STOP-LOOK-LISTEN method in real situations
• Create positive interactions: Rebuild friendship and emotional connection through shared activities
• Assess progress regularly: Weekly check-ins on healing process and relationship goals

Remember, affair recovery typically takes 12-18 months, and this roadmap represents just the beginning. The couples who succeed are those who commit to the process, not just the outcome.

Your relationship has experienced a profound disruption, but with intentional effort and professional guidance, many couples report their post-affair relationship is actually stronger and more authentic than before. The question isn’t whether you can survive this—it’s whether you’re both willing to do the work to create something better together.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it typically take to recover from an affair?

Recovery typically takes 12-18 months with consistent effort and professional support. However, every couple’s timeline is different. Factors that influence recovery speed include the type and duration of the affair, both partners’ commitment to healing, and the presence of other relationship issues. The betrayed partner’s trauma symptoms often peak around 3-6 months and gradually decrease with proper support and the unfaithful partner’s consistent efforts to rebuild trust.

Should we tell our children about the affair?

This depends on the children’s ages and whether they’re already aware something is wrong. Generally, young children (under 10) don’t need specific details but benefit from reassurance about family stability. Teenagers often sense family tension and may benefit from age-appropriate honesty about “serious relationship problems we’re working to resolve.” Focus on reassuring children that both parents love them and that adult problems aren’t their fault. Consider consulting a family therapist for guidance specific to your situation.

Is it possible to have a better relationship after an affair than before?

Yes, many couples report their post-affair relationship is stronger than before, though this requires significant work from both partners. The crisis often forces couples to address underlying issues they’d been avoiding and develop better communication skills. However, this outcome isn’t guaranteed and depends on both partners’ willingness to engage in deep personal and relational work. Studies show that couples who successfully recover often develop greater emotional intimacy, improved communication, and a more conscious approach to their relationship.

Article reviewed by Jan Novak, Mindfulness & Love Coach | Present-Moment Awareness in Relationships, on May 29, 2025